Why Did You Develop an Eating Disorder in the First Place?
Eating disorders develop largely to help you cope with the stressors and traumas that life brings. Your eating disorder helps you to ward off painful emotions and experiences, the discomfort of uncertainty, and the distress of being in your body. The fancy therapy word for this process is dissociation, and this is typically a large part of why eating pathology develops in the first place. Eating disorders are also genetic, and run in families.
It’s odd to think of such a dangerous and harmful disorder as a way to cope, since you well know the toll having an eating disorder takes on the quality of your life and health. And, it’s true. You wouldn’t engage in eating disorder behaviors if they didn’t do something for you; you’re not crazy. In fact, I bet your eating disorder helped you to survive some hard times in your life.
Your Unique Eating Disorder Recovery Process
Since every person has a unique history, genetics, and experiences, your eating disorder recovery process will be unique. There are, though, some common threads in recovery, and one of them is the need to learn to deal with emotions in new and better ways, without resorting to the use of disordered behaviors. This is a tricky and often long-term process, since your eating disorder helps you regulate your difficult emotions. You must learn how to tolerate the painful feelings in healthier ways.
When Emotions Fade Away
At some point in your life, not feeling emotions was necessary to survive or cope, and your eating disorder helped you with this. Now, I can imagine that it causes far more harm than it helps you. It’s time to reconnect with yourself and reclaim your life- that your eating disorder stole from you.
For example, if you are constantly hungry, eat past comfortable fullness, or overexercise, the focus moves away from your real feelings underneath the behaviors, and toward thoughts or obsessions about food and your body. Without access to your true emotions, you lose connection with yourself, and lose the ability to solve your problems in life. Without knowing how you feel, it’s impossible to know what you need, what’s working in your life, and what’s not. It feels impossible to know who you are outside of your eating disorder.
Recovery is a process of reclaiming your life and your body as your own, in an empowering and embodied pursuit of your most authentic self, and what you truly want in your life. You need to know how you feel, both physically and emotionally, to do this.
Why Recover, Anyway? It’s really Hard!
Emotions begin to reemerge as you rely on eating disorder behaviors less. This is a common and necessary part of your recovery. It can be overwhelming, shocking, even scary to feel again. The tips below are a great place to start to learn to deal with your returning feelings, and this blog is certainly not comprehensive.
There is so much more to be said about this topic- more insights, tools, skills, and techniques for you to gain and practice to help you even more.
You’ll Need Support
Please seek out specialized, professional support, no matter how small or severe your struggles with food and body are, no matter how many recovery attempts you’ve made. Even if you’re not sure that you’re sick enough for help- you deserve support. Eating disorders do not typically spontaneously remit, meaning that specialized treatment is necessary for recovery, and to prevent relapse. I recommend finding an eating disorder therapist and dietician who are aligned with Health at Every Size (HAES).
Here are some tips to help you along the way.
Harness the Courage to Feel
Often in eating disorder recovery, coming home to your visceral self- your emotions and physical sensations- is the hardest part. We humans are terrified by the prospect of fully feeling emotions because, well, what if we drown in the untold, uncharted waves in the ocean of emotion? Rage, grief, despair, terror, humiliation… who wants to endure the pain of feeling this?
It doesn’t need to be said that you’ll need courage to explore your feelings. This often means processing and healing traumatic events in your life, or even just acknowledging that bad and painful things happened to you. You don’t have to verbalize the details of painful experiences. Healing requires that you learn to tolerate the feelings that these experiences bring, and learning with both your brain and your body, that whatever happened wasn’t your fault.
Don’t worry though, you and your therapist will start slow, and make sure you have the tools and skills to do this work (see below). You don’t have to jump in the ocean. You will experiment by sticking a toe in and testing the temperature, first.
You are a warrior of recovery: be brave. It’s worth it.
2. Think of Feelings as Your Emotional Radar
In making the case for feeling your emotions, I want to remind you that you need them to know what’s happening in your life, what you need, and who you are. I understand that you dread your feelings, and that makes sense because they can be a primary source of pain. However, pain is not necessarily a bad thing, if it has purpose. One definition of suffering is enduring pain that has no purpose.
Think of your emotions as an exquisite GPS system.
Emotions (and any pain they bring) are signals letting us know that something is amiss. There is no such thing as a “bad” feeling. Emotions are typically well-being or warning signals, and both enter the home of your awareness carrying a message. Is the message always reality-based or accurate? Of course not, but your emotions are always doing their job: to alert you to check things out. Your job is to deal with your emotions, and be guided by them.
Non-judgement is also important in this process. You wouldn’t judge the GPS system on your phone for giving you information. Make efforts to be curious and non-judgmental of your emotions.
Need a roadmap? Keep reading.
3. Practice ABCD of Emotional Regulation
A: Awareness of the emotion. Name it, specifically.
B: Be with and Breathe. Locate the emotions in your body and send a slow deep breath to the places you feel it. Say “yes” to the emotions and just be with it, tolerating the discomfort, knowing that you are safe.
C: Check the facts. Emotions are always real and valid- but you need to learn to ask if they are *true*. Now that you know what you are feeling and where it is in your body, you can look for evidence to support or refute it.
For example, let’s say you are feeling anxious. You might name this emotion as fear, and find it pressing and constricting your chest. After breathing a few slow, mindful breaths into your chest, and being with the feeling for a few moments, you can begin to check the facts and see if your fear is reality-based. Fear is a response to a perception that you are in danger, or that something or someone might harm you. Is that true?
D: Decide. There are 3 options here: 1. Express 2. Act 3. Wait and soothe. Using the information you gathered from checking the facts, you can decide what to do next. This step is often optional, since the above steps are likely sufficient to return to emotional equilibrium.
However, there are times when you may need to act to right a wrong, or express your feelings. It is time to act or express when:
1. you are sure that this will not put you in danger, and
2. when you are feeling the heavy burden of inaction or withholding feelings, and you’re needing more positive energy.
The feeling of relief, lightness, and increased positive energy often come after action and/or expression. This is your emotional GPS telling you that what you did was needed, and that you’re headed in the right direction to support your needs.
4. Decode the Message within the Emotion: Examples
Anger: is the response to a perception, thought, or belief that I may have been violated.
Guilt: is the response to a perception, thought, or belief that I may have violated someone or some code of ethics or morals.
Fear: is the response to a perception that someone or something might be about to harm me.
Sadness: is the response to a perception that I may have lost someone or something.
Shame: is the response to a perception that I may have been untrue to my core values and lessened myself.
Happiness/Joy: is the response to a perception that things may be well with myself, the world, and others.
Excitement: is the response to a perception that something good might be coming my way.
Boredom: is the response to a perception that I may not be getting the stimulation that I require.
Jealousy: is the response to a perception that I may not begetting the response and connection I expect from a significant other.
Loneliness: is the response to a perception that I do not have enough interpersonal connection.
5. Self-Compassion First & Always
I know that you are scared, and that’s ok. You can be afraid and also take the next step forward in your eating disorder recovery process. Please try to take it easy on yourself, and practice patience and self-compassion in abundance. This process is hard enough without your harsh inner critic.
Self-compassion is akin to forgiveness, gentleness, and kindness…
even when (especially when) things are tough. I can imagine that your eating disorder has a lot of harsh things to say about you: your mistakes, your body, your choices, your abilities, and who you are. This cruel and bullying voice does not actually motivate you, even if if feels comforting to believe the lies in the moment.
Try to “talk back” to your eating disorder voice with self-compassionate statements when you have the capacity to do so.
For example, you can tell yourself that any perceived mistakes can also be lessons and open new doors. That being perfect is impossible. When your eating disorder voices rages about your weight or shape, you can say, “My body is meant for living in, not being looked at. And, it functions to keep me alive, help me thrive, experience fun and pleasure, and connects me with my loved ones.” When your inner critic judges who you are as a person, may you have the courage to remember that you are so much more than a number on a scale, your workout, your food choices, or your (perceived) flaws.
You Are More Than Body Parts
You are an entire being, encompassing the full spectrum of what it is to be human. You have dreams and talents, opinions and skills, good experiences and have lived through very difficult times. You are not body parts to be objectified; you are a living, feeling, breathing, exquisitely created person.
Your eating disorder has made your life shrink, and you are ready to expand. Ready to walk towards a larger life that reflects who you really are. And, it’s ok if you don’t know who that is quite yet- your emotions that are alive in you body will help you to figure it out. If you want some great tips to help you with your body image, check out our blog.
In Sum
Emotional energy motivates and mobilizes you to take necessary action to improve your life. Your emotions connect you to your loved ones, and when the experience is honest and transparent, it provides the intimacy and richness that drives the quality of your life.
“Feelings are the movement of the life inside us. The emotion knocking at your door is letting you know that you have reason to be excited or fearful, and that your aliveness is calling you to a larger vision of yourself. Emotions ask us to attend to what we want or do not want in our lives, to what is good or not good for us. They ask us to hold on to ourselves.”
-Andrew Seubert
Get Specialized Support
The ACED team is an inclusive group of specialized therapists and dietitians who can help you to heal so you can get back to living your life.
We’re here to help. Schedule your complimentary 15-20 minute phone consultation to find out if the ACED team could be a good fit for you. If you’re ready, we’ll match you with your dream team.
Legal disclaimer: The ACED team is comprised of mental health professionals licensed to practice in the state of Texas. Reading our blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between us. Our blog is designed for informational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for professional care. The contents of this blog should not be used to diagnose or treat illness of any kind, and before you rely on any information presented here you should consult with a trusted healthcare professional. If you are currently experiencing a mental health emergency please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.